Week Twenty Five: Binary numbers

The field is opening up nicely for Bayern. The mark of a true champion after such a defeat as their comic collapse to Cottbus last week, is to pick themselves up, straighten their tie and jolly well stick it to the next poor sap who comes their way. As it happens their opponents last week were as far from saps as fast food is from the rain forest (that gag may not work... its been a long week). Leverkusen are heavy hitters this season and must have hoped to catch the Bavarians off guard at the Allianz. That was never going to happen in a million years though and from what I saw of the game, Bayern were deserved 2-1 winners.

One of the things I noticed when I covered the last season Bayern won the title, was that when they did slip up, their rivals could not capitalise. Well this season the Munich club have slipped up plenty of times and the chasing pack have rarely taken advantage. Indeed Bremen and Hamburg seem content to fight it out for the remaining Champions League places rather than try to challenge Bayern's hegemony. Hamburg faced a tough trip to Wolfsburg and on current form would probably been pleased with a 1-1 draw if were of any real use to them. Bremen on the other hand traveled to the far less daunting location of Bielefeld but also only managed a 1-1 draw.

The resultant foolery has resulted in the places between 2nd and 6th squeezing together like some giant football club shape consertina (if you can imagine such a thing). The winners from this situation are Schalke who are now level with Bremen and Leverkusen on 44 points and, get this, Stuttgart. The Champions are three points back on Schalke (2-1 winners at Berlin) and wait for it... Stuttgart. The Champions are only three points behind the Gelsenkirchen club after they gave Rostock a 4-1 (gerd) mullering. If they have a strong run into the end of the season they are still on for a Champions League spot. What odds would you take on at least one of the teams above them bottling it?

At the bottom its got that kind of four from three look about it doesn't it? Rostock have a three point gap over Bielefeld who are fourth from bottom. Nurnberg could only manage a 1-1 draw with Bochum. Ditto Duisberg against Hannover. Cottbus lost at Frankfurt.

The final word goes to Dortmund. The Ruhr giant spent a moderate sum before the beginning of the season and will be disappointed with their league position. However, salvation has come in the shape of a German Cup Final appearance against Bayern. Along with the prospect of only their third Cup win, this also means that Dortmund should qualified for the UEFA Cup unless Munich seriously mess up and fail to qualify for the Champions League.

European football would be something of a fillip for BVB coach and 80's soft rock wannabe Thomas Doll. I ask you, how many managers do you see turn up for games in jeans? Surely that alone is worth a UEFA Cup spot.

That's it. Results and table here. Follow me and the Bundesbag on Twitter.

Week Twenty Four: No fear

Lets not be cute this week eh? Cottbus' victory over Bayern was staggering. Branko Jelic bagged a brace and keeper Gerhard Tremmel saved a penalty from Ribery. The win lifts Cottbus out of the bottom three for the first time since 1956 and would have given title challengers Bremen the perfect opportunity to make up some ground... Can you tell whats coming next?

Yup, wouldn't ya just know it? Werder stuffed things up again. In fairness, they were without Diego, Barowski, Frings and Mertesacker. Discipline and fitness are issues that Thomas Schaaf will need to look at next season. For now, Bremen went down at home to Wolfsburg 1-0 thanks to a brilliant counter attacking goal from Grafite combining with fellow Brazilian striker Marcelinho. When those two click, they are an awesome pair. Wolfsburg climb to seventh and Bremen are out of the Champions league places in fourth.

Hamburg are at least making out that they want to win the title. They prevailed in a keenly contested 1-0 win at home to BVB who beat Jena in the Semi Final of the German Cup on Tuesday 3-0. In third place behind Hamburg are Leverkusen. Nurnberg were their latest victim who now have that haunted look about them. 4-1 was the final score at the BayArena. Gekas was among the scorers with his tenth of the season.

Karlsruhe have suddenly taken a tumble down the table. Two defeats on the bounce (the most recent being at home to Frankfurt last Saturday) and suddenly they are in ninth. Frankfurt now level on points with the Swabian new boys and two points above KSC's local rivals Stuttgart. The Champions rehabilitation is progressing with little baby steps. Last weekend they went to Bochum (a tough place to go) and left with a point. Your man Hitzelsperger scoring for Stuttgart.

In the mid table, HSC drew 1-1 with Rostock who must be feeling a bit more comfortable with life now they are four points clear of the bottom three. Unlike Bielefeld who worked hard at Hannover to snatch a 2-2 draw. Armenia are still second from bottom though.

Which leaves us with bottom of the shop Duisberg. and their trip to flavour of the month Schalke, or should that be Champions League quarter finalists Schalke (oooo get you). The basement dwellers opened the scoring with a cracking goal from Georgiev. The Bulgarian cut inside from the wing and lifted the ball over the despairing Neuer. After that they hung on pretty well. Gelsenkirchen's finest must have thought that they were in for yet another false dawn. However their heroes did not let them down and the Royal Blue worked their tits off to win 2-1.

Schalke are now 5th placed and three points off the third Champs League spot for next season. Which they won't need of course should they win the European Cup in Moscow... no laughing at the back please.

Week Twenty Three: The perfect stocking filler

Back in the early '90s, I owned a VHS copy of a Danny Baker video called "Own Goals And Gaffs". It was, at the time, a revolutionary idea of a video which, rather than showing endless clips of classic goals, marvelous dribbles and awesome saves, showed nothing but hideous, calamitous OGs and similar moments of humiliation. Baker sat in a studio providing the links and the voice over. I watched that video over and over and over again. It taught me the true meaning of schadenfreude.

Videos (or DVDs as I believe they are called now) like that are two a penny these days and included in the compilations of the future dad's and brother's Christmas stockings will be Sebastian Boenisch's comical pinball style own goal against his very own Werder Bremen and for the champions Stuttgart in a knockabout 6-3 victory fat the Gottlieb-Daimler . Not even Mario Gomez' hat trick could have upstaged that comedy moment. In fact the German international Per Mertesacker had become so exasperated by the end of the match that he decided to take a couple of games off and got himself red carded. The perfect end to the perfect day.

Bremen remain second but only by virtue of the fact that Hamburg failed to beat Nurnberg at the easycredit Stadion. In fact, had Misimovic taken his penalty like a man, it could have been worse for Hamburg and much better for Nurnberg. Stuttgart meanwhile have slid up to sixth in the Bundesliga after following up their (gerd) mullering of Bremen with a more modest 1-0 away win at Cottbus who stay bottom. They, Cottbus, faired no better at Wolfsburg last Saturday, falling to a 3-0 defeat to Felix Magath's men.

While we are down the bottom, Duisberg and Rostock fought out a 1-1 draw which is becoming characteristic of relegation 6 pointers in Bundesliga. Bielefeld could have capitalised and established some breathing space between themselves and the bottom three by beating a Schalke team still on Cloud 9 after their splendid European exploits. The trouble, for Bielefeld, was that Germany's current standard bearers were in no mood to have their buzz harshened by the basement dwellers. Schalke ran out 2-0 victors.

It's pretty much as you were in the mid table. Dortmund, Hertha, Frankfurt and Bochum all score one goal each and claimed a point a piece to maintain the status quo. Theofanis Gekas returned to form with a beautiful chipped goal to set Leverkusen on their way to a win against Hannover. Bayer move into fourth place and right in the thick of the European hunt.

That left Karlsruhe as the biggest losers of the chasing pack. Their trip to Bayern ended predictably: With goals for Toni and Ribery. The latter was a glorious strike which finished off a weaving run featuring about half of the Karlsruhe team. That man is operating on a different level to most of the league and is firmly placed at the heart of the Munich attack. Bayern will be hoping he stays fit 'till the end of the season. Already the signs stating "Please place your banana skins in the bins provided" are being put up all around the Allianz.

That's it. Results here and tables here. Why not text your Twitter updates to the Bundesbag. Go here for more details.

Yo-yo Round Up: Neuer and Then

Well who would have thunk that a European round up was even necessary at this stage of the season. The Bundesliga club's displays in the Champions League were nothing short of abysmal. Bremen, Schalke and in particular Stuttgart, who managed to lose to a Scottish team, took maybe three or four or zero games to settle in and by then it was mostly too late... I said mostly.

By the end of the group phase, both Bremen and Schalke were in with a chance of qualifying for the knock-out stage which was much better than originally feared. While ultimately Bremen gave themselves too much to do, Schalke emerged from their group to face Porto. You all know what happened, Gelsenkirchen's finest are through to the Quarter Finals thanks to a penalty shoot out victory. The result is significant in two other ways: Firstly, it surely spares their manager Mirko Slomka from the chop at least until the end of the season. Secondly I now understand why Schalke's accident prone young keeper Manuel Neuer keeps getting a game. His match winning penalty save was superb.

The Bundesliga has been talked down a bit this season in England. Many hacks see it as a fading league set back by it's regulations on supporter ownership which is, apparently, hampering its fortunes off the pitch due to lack of investment. In fact there is a very good article about it here.

Yet despite it's perceived flaws, Germany have managed to just about maintain a presence in the Champs League even in the absence of the perennial Bayern this year. Perhaps corporate ownership and investment will lead to more clubs on Europe's top table. Then again they'd probably have to turn into clubs like Chelsea or Manchester United with prawn sandwiches and high ticket prices. I guess supporters have to ask themselves what they really want out of their football.

Anyhoo, the UEFA Cup then, or should I say the German Cup II given the amount of Bundesliga clubs still hanging around. We'll start with Bayern who may have just about done enough to squeeze through to the next round with 5 (five) away goals at Anderlecht. Even Podolski and Klose got in on the scoresheet.

A quarter final presence is also guaranteed thanks to the draw producing an all German clash between Leverkusen and HSV. Theofanis Geikas found his shooting boots and Bayer take a goal advantage to Hamburg. I doubt the game will be carried in the UK. If you are going, why not Twit match updates to the Bundesbag?

Finally we end as we began, with defeat to a Scottish team. Werder Bremen hang your heads in shame. Rangers are only moderately better travelers than Celtic so a Lazurus like come-back is not out of the question. I fancy Rangers to score at the Wesserstadion though. Even so it should be a cracking game.

Week Twenty Two: The Pursuit Of Accidents

Your correspondent must confess to a certain degree of computer fatigue this week. To compensate, I am indulging in some early 80's Level 42 in the hope that it will drive me onto blogging success. The principal being the sooner I finish the sooner I can turn it off... I'm joking of course.

Someone else in need of a little regressive therapy is Schlake coach Mirko Slomka. His team's defeat at home to a Ribery inspired Bayern has left them without a win since their derby victory at the Westphalon. The increasing pressure has led to some fairly unpleasant rumblings in Gelsenkirchen about the coaches future and made him the first manager to have his picture on the Bundesbag for two consecutive weeks. I'll leave you to ponder which is the more serious.

Not for the first time in German football history, Schalke's pain is someone else's gain and Bayern's first ever win at the Arena Auf Schlake keeps them top of the Bundesliga, four points off Bremen who recovered from their recent indignities with a 2-0 win over Dortmund. Hamburg maintained their third place for another week by following up their decent result at Bayern last week with a stomping (gerd) mullering over Frankfurt this week.

Of the three Champions League aspirants, only Karlsruhe (yes Karlsruhe) managed a win at home to Wolfsburg who presumably have now had their moment and can go back in their box. The amusingly named Mario Eggiman was among the scorers at the Wildparkstadion. Mind you, I laugh, at least he's going to Euro 2008.

Leverkusen lost at Bochum which, apart from denting Bayer's Chumps League hopes is a cracking result for their Ruhr rivals. Bochum may not be getting an exhibition at the National Gallery anytime soon but they are hard working and tough hombres. I for one find much virtue in the way they play. Hannover kept their somewhat faint European ambitions alive with a 2-1 at home to Nurnberg who are still in the bottom three with Cottbus and Duisberg who lost again to Berlin.

Holding the bottom three at bay are Rostock who could have gone above Bielefeld had they held out against them for another six or eight minutes last Saturday. Eigler's 84th minute equaliser may have felt like a winner for all of two seconds. A late surge from any of the bottom three will leave both these clubs vulnerable. Oh yes, the end of the season is nigh.

That's it. Results here and tables here. Text your Twitter updates to the Bundesbag. Go here for more details.